Guaranteed Packers Super Bowl Victory

Lots of 'experts' are predicting a big season for the Pack, some are predicting the ultimate prize, even. But here's what I am offering today: An irrefutable Super Bowl guarantee. We will win the Super Bowl next January. This is not some lofty prediction. This isn't some hunch I came up with after burning my own blood in a golden dish while chanting devious hand-me-down spells in rough Latin. This statement is as rock solid as the fact that I will catch the biggest pike on our upcoming Canadian fishing trip. But, before I explain myself further, let us first discuss the only topic stranger than science fiction: Science.

My grand-son Ike sent me a link to a story this morning: 11 of the Craziest Things About the Universe. And CRAAAAZY they are.

Here is my favorite crazy thing: The entire volume of the human race could fit in a single sugar-cube! Now, I don't use a lot of sugar cubes. I'm not a horse or a pony. I don't drink tea. But I know a sugar cube is small. Well, how in-the-hell does that work then? Simple. Matter, says author Marcus Chown, is "incredibly, mind-bogglingly empty." Think of the Metro-dome during one of their rare playoff games - lots of empty chairs. Take away the fake crowd noise and the 'air' and you've got very little left. The Metro-dome is a disgusting facade, as is the atom, from which life is built. Squish the emptiness from the atom, which is "99.999999999999999 percent empty space" and you are left with a very-dense sugar cube floating through the vacuum of space! Think about it. That's almost as creepy as Creepy Ted's haunting stare!

Here's another doozy: "Only four percent of the mass of the Universe is in the atoms that make up you and me, the stars and the planets." So, we are essentially nothing in the grand scheme of 'things', and that little sugar-cube of nothing-ness is only a small slice of 'everything'... You might want to take a break and drink a cold PBR before trying to really comprehend that. Your brains might melt otherwise.

So if measurable mass, including us and Wisconsin and Lambeau Field only make up four percent of the known Universe, what is the rest? Well, dark matter makes up 23 percent, and dark energy is 73 percent. The image above is supposedly what dark matter looks like on the dark-matter-scope.

Creepy, yes. But I like it. I am drawn to it (by a mysterious force, perhaps?)... Good God, dear readers. This whole damned blog might be constructed of dark-energy thoughts! If so, we're all probably doomed! Or maybe, we're blessed! Or maybe I didn't take my medicine this morning!

So I flipped through 11 of these little tid-bits of madness, and the last one scrambled my brains, even though it's something I've heard before. According to Quantum Theory, there are probably infinite versions of this universe floating around inside a massive invisible block of bizarre universe-containing cheese, that is also infinite and expanding. Or something like that. Thus, there are infinite number of humanity sugar-cubes, and infinite Lambeau Fields, and infinite FG Unions blogging about quantum theory. And in one of these universes, no matter what happens in this 'reality', the Packers WILL win the Super Bowl next January. Hell, in some wonderful reality I have season tickets and front row seats for that Super Bowl!

Yeah yeah yeah, dear readers, I know, I know... So what, right? We're all stuck in this 'reality', so go take your dark energy cheese talk and go up to Canada already and leave us alone, right? Sure, I guess. But it's still fun to think about. Now get the hell off my lawn, you rascals! I've gotta head down to my basement labratory to vaporize some cheese while wearing 4-Dimension Goggles!

Until next time, then,