Tossing the football in a lake

Enough with the soccer until 2014, dear readers. I can't respect a sport - or take it seriously - when there is a reward for faking an injury and acting like you just got shot with a taser. And don't get me started about their refs. FIFA refs make NFL refs look like geniuses.

So we say good-bye to South Africa and return to the lakes of Wisconsin on a hot and sunny summer afternoon, 'cause a kiddle pool just can't satisfy all of your summer-time aquatic recreational needs.

There on the sand is the blanket Mooney laid out, and a cooler of ice-cold PBRs, and here in the lake I stand with an American pig-skinned football splashing around: The Oldest Kid in North America. I can't hustle and dive on the field like I used to back when we won the state championship in 1858, but here in the lake an old fellow like me can still lay out for the touch-down grab. Mooney or Cousin Walter see me open in the end-zone and they hurl a wobbling duck over the defender, and I leap up and grab it like Jermichael Finley, and then I spike it and stare down the Vikings defenders in the shallows, who turn out to be little kids.

Imagination is a great asset during the off-season.

On the lake-field, there is no danger of rolling an ankle or snapping a hip-bone, folks. Just the threat of the dreaded water-up-da-nose, or stepping on a sharp stone, and probably, a case of the burnt lobster shoulders. Or you might lose your sun-glasses on a really wicked dive.

Or maybe you're on a lake with too many FIBs and you get the swimmer itch, which was brought up here by the FIBs in the 50s. The parasitic itchin'-worms are drawn to mini-golf courses and fudge shops and pleasure-boaters, so it's sort of a mutually-beneficial thing betwixt the FIBs and the itch. You can look it up! Jay Cutler was actually raised by a clan of swimmer-itch worms, making him the perfect fit for Chicago. That's why he has such a stupid and painful look stuck on his ugly face all the time. It's a product of his up-bringing by aquatic bird parasites. You can look it up!

Yes, imagination is a great asset during the off-season, and so are cold swimming lakes. And both of those are products of my up-bringing in the Great State of Wisconsin. Enjoy the rest of summer-time, dear readers. Toss the football around. And lay off the chaco-tacos!

Until next time, then,