A truth that boils the blood

By Jerry The Antarctican
Special MPU Correspondent

I am proud to be writing you all after yet another glorious week here at the Pole. A week filled with - as always - lots of work, but also with a brilliant open mic session, a vodka-fueled rampage (which I am proud to say I was a witness not a participant) (ole’ Jerry sticks to Speight’s and the occasional scotch) and most importantly… A Green Bay Packers victory over the Chicago Cutlery’s!

This week’s hard-fought victory brings me to a subject that boils my blood more than any other and that I must address as a fan of the Pack and as a resident of the coldest place on earth. What is this subject? Domes—and how they serve no useful purpose to anyone, anywhere, anytime!

My hatred for domes was brought yet again to the surface when I realized that not only are domes the work of Lucifer for the reasons which I will mention shortly, but now they have even forced me to admit that I must always, in part, respect the Chicago Bears. I know that this news may be a hard pill for some to swallow but I am an honest man and as an honest man it just wouldn’t be right to hold at least a little respect for the only other team in the NFC North with the balls to play outdoors in December and January.

So I admit it: As long as the Bears play outdoors then Jerry the Antarctican will always give them at least 1% respect. Now lets please move on to some other reasons that Domes are an obvious perversion.

Reason number one: Hurricane Katrina
Some would argue that during Hurricane Katrina the Superdome (the politics of such a B.S. name can’t be addressed here) served as a shining beacon of hope to all of those who were in need of shelter doing such a horrible time. Those who argued such a point would be dead wrong. What really happened was that the No-So-Superdome served as nothing more than a den of rape, thievery and murder. Thousands and thousands of helpless victims became trapped in the dome's evil grasp. The huddled masses had no choice but to think about happier places as the Superdome's limited exits, lack of sunlight, creepy echo effect, and faulty roof panels turned a horrible situation in to an unthinkable one. DESTROY THAT DOME!

Reason number two: The dome-happy Cowboys
An incident occurred earlier this season in which an innocent Cowboys coach angered the practice dome and was paralyzed for life. Is this the sort of behavior we want from an NFL stadium? The cowboy's new facility is worth over a billion dollars and contains the main dome, three dome practice facilities, a dome where kids can play, the largest jumbotron in history and apparently... a mind of its own. Due to fear of further repercussion from one of the domes that has not yet chosen to collapse on innocent people we will probably never know what that coach in Dallas did/said to anger the almighty ceiling but we had better watch out. If we keep building these things they are sure to eventually surpass us. What happens when we are not safe from our own roofs?

Reason number three: The Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions et. al.
I am aware I am dealing with an educated readership so I promise not to spend too much time here. Also, I don’t care if the Cardinals almost won the Superbowl last year or if they are any good this year. The Arizona Cardinals are and always will be a laughing stock along with teams like the Rams, Lions and all other dome teams precisely for said fact: They are a dome team. The teams listed above are a disgrace to the NFL and to sports in general. They wear ugly uniforms, play bad football and make embarrassing personal decisions. Such examples include the assistant coach of the Lions showing up nude at a drive through window, the Cardinals insisting that a grocery bagger play quarterback and the Rams hinging their hopes of remaining in St. Louis on… you guessed it… the city paying for ANOTHER dome!

When I think of teams like this I become sad. I picture a little boy or girl in a far off land dreaming of American Football in all its glory: Blood, muscle, victory, championship. Then I picture that same little boy or girl learning about the teams listed above and seeing the monstrosities they play in. In this vision the boy or girl immediately starts to cry and swears off football forever only to pick up a soccer ball, cricket bat, or some other god awful “sports” utensil. Thanks a lot St. Louis.

Reason number four: the Minnesota Vikings
I will not waste any time or thought on this with the exception of one fact. The ugliest, oldest, most embarrassing stadium in the NFL is being torn down this year. The Vikings are building another dome. My God I hate Minnesota.

The sum of all reasons: Dome are not the future and the future is not Domes
To explain this I am proud to reference a local example. In the early 1970’s a group of scientist and engineers who had obviously read to many Sci-Fi novels decided it would be a good idea to construct a grand geodesic dome as the knew station here at Pole. 40 years later I am proud to say that I am here to tear it down. The dome proved to be nothing more than a dingy old heap that required thousand of gallons of fuel just to keep cleared of snow. It stuck up from the flat landscape like a festering dark boil and attracted every snow granule and ice crystal between here and the Ross Sea. For that reason the National Science Foundation (NSF) has seen the error of their ways and is tearing it down in favor of a proper non-domed structure.
A fellow Polie who had the displeasure of living in the medal heap described it as the following: “It was dingy, musty, dark…. there was no natural light at all; it scared me and I’m glad it is going away.”

For the sake of humanity, let us all learn a lesson from the NSF and avoid ever having to live with the feelings like those of my friend mentioned above and begin immediately to tear down all domes.